Can You See a Pattern Here?
by LikeIdTellU
Summary: A girl falls in Middle Earth with no weapons experience and survives. Are you kidding me? Here are some more likely scenarios.


**Title: Can you see a pattern here?**

**Warning: Sue Bashing**

**Summery: A girl falls in Middle Earth with no weapons experience and survives. Are you kidding me? Here are some more likely scenarios. **

**Scenario number one: **The beautiful girl felt the air rustle her ebony locks and opened her pale gossamer coloured eyes tinted with the barest threads of purple. She was in a meadow, the grass waved cheerfully in the bright spring morning. The Mary Sue lifted her pale heart shaped face to capture the rays of the sun and it seemed to her that the grass reached out to her.

The sound of hoof beats aroused her curiosity and the Mary Sue turned elegantly to face the direction in which the sound came from. Her eyes widened and her delicate bow shaped mouth curved into a shy smile even as a gentle blush stained her cheeks as she beheld the noble elf, for the figure on the white horse was far more handsome then any human.

The elf stopped his horse and swung down towards the ground, a mysterious glint in his blue eyes warring with the genteel smile decorating his face. "My lady, I am Lord Glorfindel, may I assist you to wherever you need to go".

The Mary Sue elegantly curtsied, in her innocence not knowing [yeah right] that it was improper to lift her skirts up to her perfect and creamy thighs. "Any assistance you can offer me would be most welcome".

The Lord Glorfindel smiled, making the Sue's knees go wobbly, before unsheathing his sword and parting her head from her body. Glorfindel watched in fascination as the blood from the severed neck sprayed up into the sky and watered the grass. The Balrog slayer stepped backwards so that his clothing would not be sullied by such filth…who knew, it could be poisonous…before fastidiously wiping his sword on the Mary Sue's gown. Then he opened his saddle bag and took out a stained hessian sack he kept handy for occasions such as this. And then the lord grasped the severed head by the hair and placed it in the bag, knotting the opening and placing it back in his saddle bag, fervently hoping none of the blood leaked onto his lembas.

Glorfindel planned on giving the severed head to Legolas as a begetting day present, the Balrog slayer already had ten stuffed Sue heads displayed around his home. And with that, the elf lord leapt onto Asfaloth's back and continued to Mirkwood, grinning happily when his horse stepped on the Sue's body with a satisfying crunch.

It was a perfect day indeed.

**Scenario number two: **The young women danced and sung in the ancient forest, her golden hair a halo framing her pale, heart shaped face as she spun and twirled to a beat that only she, the most purest and innocent thing on Arda, could hear. Her white gown clung to her perfectly formed body in totally inappropriate ways. And then something inconceivable happened…the Mary Sue tripped. She rolled down the hill, only coming to a halt when she crashed into something very hard and very solid.

"Hoom, hoom, hoom. What have we here? A lady orc?"

The Sue groaned and looked up at her rescuer, glittering tears forming in her cobalt eyes as she beheld a talking tree. A talking tree that mistook her, the most purest and innocent creature in Arda, for an orc.

"Im no Orc", she gasped through the pain.

Unfortunately for her, Treebeard's massive foot was already descending on her lissom form. The Mary Sue had only time for one shrill scream before the foot stomped down wards, cutting off any protests.

The foot was lifted up.

"Aargh", gurgled the Sue.

And was stomped down with enough force to cause a minor earth quake before being lifted up again.

"Aah"

Stomp

"Argh"

Stomp

"Gurgle".

Treebeard leaned over to get a better look at the crushed Sue. "Persistent little buggers aren't they?" Came a voice from next to the Ent.

"Hoom, hoom King Eomer, it would seem that she does not want to die", observed the Ent.

"Gurgle"

The two pondered the vaguely humanoid mush in front of them still gurgling away. "Try it one more time?" offered Eomer.

STOMP

"That did it".

**Scenario three: **The Sue felt the wind rush through her red hair and she shut her green eyes so she would not have to look at the rapidly approaching ground. A crystalline tear slipped from under one dark eyelash and dribbled down the perfectly curved, pale cheek, soon followed by its twin. Emyreleean did not want to die so far away from home…that would mean her parents would win.

And then her fall was arrested as she crashed into something large and feathery. Survival instincts overrode shock and the Sue grasped on a feather to keep her balance.

Suddenly she became aware of a voice cursing horribly. "Aw no it's a Mary Sue". And with that the eagle flipped over and sent the Mary Sue tumbling to her death.

Unfortunately for all denizens of Middle Earth, the Sue landed in an extraordinarily deep snow drift. Fortunately a passing band of Orcs came across her as she struggled out.

Legolas sniggered as he listened to the screams for mercy and pointedly turned and rode in the other direction. He had a begetting day to get to

**The End**

**Authors notes: Scenario one was to make fun of Mary Sue's annoying indestructibility just in case anyone wanted to know. I hope you all enjoyed it and reviews would be appreciated.**


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